As the Internet continues to grow in popularity, the sheer number of people taking advantage of free "instant messaging" programs like ICQ and AIM increases. These ease-of-use communication tools allow any two people with the software to chat with each other in real-time, creating a revolutionary atmosphere of free speech. However, there are a wide and varied assortment of people that one may encounter in these chat programs, types of users that many people might not be familiar with. This Something Awful Guide to Instant Messaging will profile the most abundant types of users so you, the reader, may learn who exactly you're communicating with.


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Generally a hyperactive teenager who eats raw, unrefined sugar while pounding down shots of his liquefied ADD medication, The One Line Wonder finds themselves unable to to resist pressing the "Send Message" button as soon as they finish a sentence. Once they have typed more than four words and sent off the message, they'll instantly begin working on their next message to you, which will contain even less content and proper grammar. Although their computer OS supports multitasking, the brains of the One Line Wonders hardly ever do.

Expample:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
THE ONE LINE WONDER: I saw it
THE ONE LINE WONDER: pretty cool shit
THE ONE LINE WONDER: my dad knows a guy
THE ONE LINE WONDER: who runs a site like that
THE ONE LINE WONDER: he uses
THE ONE LINE WONDER: flash or something
THE ONE LINE WONDER: my dad works in a fireworks factory
THE ONE LINE WONDER: one of his coworkers
THE ONE LINE WONDER: once blew up
THE ONE LINE WONDER: his hand
THE ONE LINE WONDER: with
THE ONE LINE WONDER: some
THE ONE LINE WONDER: fire
THE ONE LINE WONDER: work
THE ONE LINE WONDER: s
THE ONE LINE WONDER: .
YOU: How did you manage to send all those messages in under three seconds?
THE ONE LINE WONDER: fuck u


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Since all non-American countries are finally starting to discover computer technology and the wonderful AOL messaging software that comes with it, the residents of these exotic lands are putting their computers to the greatest possible use: testing out their broken English small talk skills. Although the only media footage of foreign (read as: "NON-AMERICAN") countries depicts massive amounts of people burning US flags, spitting on effigies of the President, and comparing America to the latest object that fell from their pet rat's rear end, their choice in instant messaging topics reveals something to the contrary. According to every single message history from a non-American contacting an American, it becomes evident that 99.9% of the world's population is intensely concerned with how tall Americans are.

Expample:

THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: yes helo! asl?
YOU: What?
THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: I am arrived from Malaysia! I am name Rahimah! asl? * _ *
YOU: Malaysia?
THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: where do live at? Is cold there! ^ _ ^
YOU: Huh?
THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: I am 17 ears and 1928.23 hectareliters tall! my dad comands a soy farm!
YOU: A soy what?
THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: what di you do in New Yrok? is cold there? its warm here! ^ _ *
YOU: Who are you and why are you messaging me?
THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: how tall you are? my dad weighs 142231 microamperes! he comandeds a soy farm! ^ _ ^


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Regardless of what you're talking about, Mr. One-Up always has a story, link, or image that can top whatever you may produce. Did you find a hilarious picture of a man being run over by an ice cream truck? Well Mr. One-Up saw that image YEARS ago and has something way better! Did you find a movie trailer for a really obscure and cool looking foreign film? Mr. One-Up knew about that film within seconds of the director even dreaming up the idea! No matter what you write or send to him, it will regardlessly be inferior to the follow-up that Mr. One-Up will send back. In real life, he's what scientists commonly refer to as "a jerk."

Example

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
MR. ONE-UP: Yeah, I saw it like three years ago. That's old news. Where the fuck have you been? I've seen that link like 50,000 times. I can't believe you haven't seen it before. Jesus Christ you're pathetic. Here's a funnier link that I just found yesterday. Nobody knows about it but me. I found it myself. If somebody else tells you about it, it's because they must've gotten it from me. Check this out: http://www.goatse.cx.
YOU: Dude, I've seen that before
(Two minute pause)
MR. ONE-UP: Liar.


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The Status-Tician picks a random message mode and chooses to stay in it for the rest of his natural life. For example, although the Status-Tician may have left his computer on while flying 4,000 miles to Japan, his ICQ client will still be set to "Free for chat" mode. This is because even though he hasn't touched his computer in roughly a decade, hey, he might really like to chat. One can never tell if the Status-Tician is ever near their computer or ever plans on returning to it, as they are a species shrouded in mystery and intrigue.

EXAMPLE

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
YOU: Did you get it?
YOU: Hello?
YOU: Are you there?
YOU: If you're gone, you accidentally left your computer in random chat mode.
THE STATUS-TICIAN: (Nine days later) Yeah, I got the link.
YOU: What did you think?
YOU: Pretty funny, eh?
YOU: Hello?
YOU: Hey!
YOU: Hello???

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Hey fellahs! Are you ready to party? The Wild and Crazy ICQ Queen sure is! No matter what hour of the night or day, she'll be up and chatting away, spewing mindless Internet lingo and digital hugs and kisses to her special Internet buddies, who all probably have photos of kittens and bunnies as their Windows background. She loves love! Get ready to see some hardcore "rolling on the floor with laughter" action when the Wild and Crazy ICQ Queen logs on to cyberspace!

Example

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: Rotfle!!! LOL! That was hilarious! Thanks dear! : )
YOU: Woah, who is this? Sorry, I think I sent it to the wrong person.
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: LOL! LOLOL!!! This is Sheila! I'm Nick's friend!
YOU: Nick? Who the hell is Nick?
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: LOLOLOLOLOL!!! : P~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your such a cutie! Nick talks about you all the time! If you weren't taken, I'd be putting the moves on you for sure! LOL! ROTFLE! LOL ON AOL!
YOU: Lady, I don't know anybody named Nick.
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: LOL! ROTFGLEGLEROFLT!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Your so crazy! Nick loves your sense of humor! OLOL!!!!
YOU: Listen lady, if you don't tell me who the fuck Nick is, I'm going to hunt you down and drive a pair of scissors into your thick skull.
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: ROFGGLE! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLoLOLOL!!!! Your such a joker! Your hilarious, hunny! OLL!!!
YOU: I'm putting you on my ignore list!
THE WILD AND CRAZY ICQ QUEEN: LOL!!!!!!!!!! : P~~~~~~~~~~~


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Tired of having to type long and complex words such as "you", "mate", and "see you later," LingoMaster 2000 has mastered the art of "Internet Shorthand," which allows him to compose messages with the greatest of ease! He knows so many shortcuts that he has the ability to compact and compress the entire set of works by William Shakespeare into 11 words. This saves him valuable time and energy which can be used to download all the missing episodes of Pokemon onto his 900 zillion gig hard drive.

Example:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
LINGOMASTER 2000: y, when u send? been 4ever.
YOU: Send? Y? U? What?
LINGOMASTER 2000: afaik, u been afk
YOU: Huh?
LINGOMASTER 2000: lol, u bhof, bm!!! nfi what ur TA!
YOU: What's wrong with you?
LINGOMASTER 2000: ROTM! nmt, so sh, u wank... tlgo...
YOU: DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
LINGOMASTER 2000: wgaff

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Doctor Hardass is a tough guy! He don't take no shit from nobody online, and he's probably the biggest and baddest motherfucker you'll ever meet! Well, online, that is. In real life, he's just another scrawny 16-year old who is routinely beat up and forced to drink motor oil at school. However, as soon as he logs onto mom's AOL account, he instantly becomes one violent and aggressive guy, ready to kick your ass at the slightest provocation. Be warned: he has the ability to find your address, hunt you down, and kill you at the drop of a hat! Well, that's what he'll claim at least. In reality, mom probably won't let him drive the family station wagon all the way to your house, so you're fairly safe.

Example:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
DOCTOR HARDASS: fuck u u fucken faggot shitfucking fucker
DOCTOR HARDASS: im gunna hunt u down and break ur fucken neck u stuped asshole FUCK U!!!!
DOCTOR HARDASS: u fucken queer ass faggot pussy fucker gay homosexual fag faggy fucker fagot ass fuck!!!
DOCTOR HARDASS: stop being so fucken stuped u fucking fag fucker
DOCTOR HARDASS: im gonna through u thru a window and stomp on ur face with my combat boots u fag
YOU: Does that mean you got the URL?

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Although the Internet is known for being a great place to pick up hot and available underage teen girls, there are one or two people out there that choose to impersonate this key online demographic. This is because there's nothing funnier than pretending to be a hot 16-year old girl when, in actuality, you're a fat, balding, sweaty 45-year old man who still lives with his parents and masturbates in the garage every morning. Luckily for all Internet users out there, Mister FakeTeen is fairly easy to spot, as he usually has the raw intelligence of dead, rotting plankton.

Example:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
MISTER FAKETEEN: yeah, sexxy! asl?
YOU: No thanks, I just ate.
MISTER FAKETEEN: can I suck your cock? I just got out of junior high school. I have size 68-DDDDDD breasts. I need sex. I want you. oh baby
YOU: Uh, maybe later.
MISTER FAKETEEN: so u dont want a hot 18 year old girl to fulfill ur every sexual desire???
YOU: I thought you said you were in junior high school.
MISTER FAKETEEN: I was but then I got out.
YOU: And you're 18.
MISTER FAKETEEN: do u want my pussy? its soooo hot for you!!!
YOU: NO!!!
MISTER FAKETEEN: fine! : ( Ill just go onto Napster and download som more Journey and Men Without Hats mp3s
YOU: Aren't those bands a bit before your time?
MISTER FAKETEEN: hey, Im only a 17 year old girl! my daddy listens to it. will u be my daddy? Ill make u feel GOOD
YOU: God no!

that's funny.

lol, i like the pokemon one...

ahahahahah

I like the guy that doesnt respond

Reminds me of a friend

lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LOL, I know at least 1 person from each of those categorys lol.. Although I prefer to use at least 90% of correct grammer and spelling when I am chatting..

I`ll bet everyone of us knows at least one person behaving exactly like someone from the list above.

lmao

stupid

Excellent Post

those are so true