*STUN GUN STUNNER
>
> A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
> submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
> my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
> little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100
> pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
> short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
> allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
> button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
> the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
> the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
> thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA
> batteries, right?!!
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target I
must
> admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
> thought
> better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
> thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
> assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, and taser in another The directions said that a one-second burst
> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second
> burst could purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
> fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the
> batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
> two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
> such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to
> give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
> prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
> WEAPONS OF MASS
> DESTRUCTION!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
> up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
> and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position,
> with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
> meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
> thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again !"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
> your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
> would be considered conservative.
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed
> the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
> fireplace.
>
> How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
> were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain,
> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>
> I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
> for their safe return. Still in shock.
>
> P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
>
> "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid".*
>
>

Predictable and yet somehow worth reading.

What an idiot. I would've tried it on the cat.



(calm down, just joking)

DON'T TASE ME, BRO!









Yeah, that's where I thought it was going at first. Probably would have killed the cat.

Seen it before. Was playing ET:QW the other day and someone joined with the name "dontfragmebro" I LOL'ed my ass off.

Nah, you always knew he was gonna taser himself, bro.